Talking to Your Kids About Pornography – A Parent Resource

Talking to Your Kids About Pornography – A Parent Resource

Posted on
February 13, 2018
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This resource is designed for youth leaders to use to equip parents to effectively navigate the confusing world we live in. It can be used as a handout to parents or as a resource for a learning event to educate parents about dealing with pornography.

Lust lies at the heart of many sins.  As young people deal with their developing sexuality, they confront the troublesome issues of pornography and an unhealthy lust towards others.  This lust impacts their thoughts, desires, and actions.  Christian attitudes and actions flow from the presence and power of Christ.  We seek guidance, counsel, and forgiveness in His Word.  Never lose sight of the Gospel and grace of Jesus Christ.  No matter how grievous the sin or addiction, we must return to Christ to find healing.  Whenever we repent from sin, God shows mercy and compassion. 

The Reality

Let’s be realistic here . . . pornography is prevalent everywhere today. In fact, one in eight online searches is for pornography.  When it comes to what our kids are doing with pornography today, there will be long-lasting fall-out tomorrow. Several people have asked what the future of pornography holds. In other words, if the world of pornography and what the world of pornography does to change the world is evident in what’s happened over the last 30 or so years, what can we expect to see 30 years from now. . . or less? Here are some thoughts:

  1. We will see increased frequency and widespread exposure to pornography at younger and younger ages. That’s what’s called age compression. We know that pornography is already finding five and six-year-olds. That trend is only going to ramp up to the point where rare is the elementary-aged kid who hasn’t seen it.
  2. Pornography’s envelope will stretched to the extremes. There’s a growing market for pornography. That growing market is creating a need for more extreme types of pornography. We’re not talking here about naked women. We’re talking about even more horrifying and even criminal stuff that at its most extreme level, depicts and includes children.
  3. Like a drug habit, desensitization occurs, creating a need for more frequent and higher doses. Pornography addiction will be off the charts.
  4. As pornography moves into the mainstream, it will be increasingly accepted, tolerated, and even celebrated. The use of pornography will become a right – maybe even a virtue – that is nothing more or less than a matter of personal preference and taste. Gone will be our societal ability to label it as wrong.
  5. There will be a normalization of depicted behaviors and practices. What one sees is what one will do. This is called social norming. Perhaps this is the most horrifying expectation imaginable.

NOW is the time to understand, examine, and address the problem of pornography. We need to be prophetic, preventive and redemptive in our approach.  No healthy parent wants to think about his child viewing pornography, but it happens. Some researchers have stated that the average age of exposure to pornography is frequently now down to eight. 8 years old!!!

Before the days of the Internet, children were typically between the ages of eleven to thirteen when they began by viewing soft-core pornography found in magazines like Playboy.  Today’s child lives in a culture where hard-core pornography abounds; it is only a click away. Our children are being seduced daily, and we need to bear this fact in mind whenever we have the occasion to redirect them away from pornography.   (Side Note:  It is also extremely important that parents not direct all their efforts toward their sons at the expense of their daughters. Pornography and other sexualized media can adversely affect girls as well as boys and often leads to significant damage in their ability to form healthy relationships as an adult.)

The key question for parents is: Are we merely protecting our kids from temptation or are we preparing them to face temptation? If we are going to prepare them to eventually live as young adults in a world full of temptations, we need to train them to live in a world without fences, without filters.  It’s not enough to say ‘Just say no or ‘because I said so’.  We need to tell them why and give them something to say ‘YES’ to.

 

The Goal

We want to be intentional parents. It’s our privilege and responsibility to educate them about sexuality. We want to begin early, and continue throughout their time with us in the home.

The ultimate goal for our children’s sexuality is that they will be able to see the dynamic interplay between sexuality and spirituality. As Christians, we want to help them understand, for example, that sexual intercourse is an act of love shared between a husband and wife. This sacred act symbolizes the spiritual union that will occur between Christ and His bride, the Church, upon His return to earth. We hope our sons will see themselves as a type of Christ as they relate to their wives, and that our daughters will see themselves as a type of the church as they relate to their husbands. What we model today in our marriages will likely reproduce itself in our children’s marriages.

By helping our children to see the big picture about the sanctity of sex, we are better prepared to confront the problem of pornography when and if it occurs in our children’s lives.

 

How can you prevent?

Frankly, there is no guarantee that even the best parent can prevent his child’s exposure to pornography. As with parents of any age or culture, we seek to do the best we can with the resources we have. Should another incident occur, it will be another teachable moment where you restate the precepts and principles that guide us toward wholeness.

Fortunately, the probability of future occurrences can be diminished by taking a four-pronged approach.

  1. Behavioral: Behavioral approaches attempt to prevent a scenario from developing in the first place. The house and grounds, for example, should be purged of all pornography. Media should be carefully screened for “triggers” that serve as gateways to acting-out. If the problem occurred with the Internet, a filter can be one of your strategies, although it can never replace parental supervision and involvement.

Other common-sense approaches include moving the computer to the family room where others can easily view the screen, limiting the time on the computer so that no one is alone on the Internet, and developing a mission statement that directs the family’s the use of the computer and the Internet.

  1. Cognitive: Pornography is propaganda and generates destructive myths about sexuality. Once exposed, it will be critically important that a comprehensive sex education gets underway, if it has not already been initiated. The child will need to learn what and how to think about sexuality. More than mere behaviors, parents will want to communicate the core values of sexuality, the multifaceted risks of sex outside of marriage, and their ongoing compassion for what it must be like to grow up in this culture.

 

  1. Emotive: Sex is inherently emotional. Premarital sex has even been linked with codependency, where at least one person becomes compelled or addicted to be in relationship with another. The youth culture would lead you to believe that sex is not necessarily emotional for them – don’t you believe it. Sexual relations of any type bond the bodies, minds, and spirits of two individuals. At the conscious level, this attachment is largely emotional. Our children need to understand that emotional attachment is often involuntary, and especially when the relationship has been compromised sexually.

 

  1. Spiritual: At its core, sexual integrity comes down to a spiritual commitment. The Christian message of how Christ loves His bride, the Church, is our inspiration. The prohibitions and consequences of sexual sin are secondary to the intimacy that one experiences in obedience to God. Our children need to see how our lives are different because of His love. With confidence, we can share with them that God’s true love will empower them to avoid the trap of pornography.

 

 

Talking About It:  5 Tips for Parents

  • Be AWARE

This is huge. Too often parents say, “Not my kid,” or “My kid would never do that.” The sad reality is that the majority of teenage boys and a growing number of teenage girls are not only getting exposed to pornography but seeking it out. Hiding behind our fears and discomforts regarding this topic only perpetuates the issue. We have to wake up and recognize that it is more a part of our youth’s lives than ever before. Rather than hide from it we must deal with it head on and speak with our youth openly.

Most parents know very little about the issue of pornography. Very few know how prevalent it is among teenagers. They are unaware of the many ways in which teens access the content and how the pornography industry specifically targets youth. Parents rarely know that this issue is often times happening within the walls of their own homes. We know that nearly 80% of unwanted exposure to pornography takes place in the home.

It’s hard to prevent a problem from happening without awareness and understanding, which is why parents must take the first step by becoming aware and learning about the issue. As parents take active steps in educating themselves about the very real risks their children face with exposure to pornography, they put themselves in a better position to be able to offer council and comfort as their children seek help.

  • Be OPEN

A common myth surrounding “the talk” is the assumption that if you are open about the topic and discuss it with your teenagers they will become curious and get involved with pornography. The truth is actually quite opposite. Studies show that parents who are more willing and comfortable to talk to their teenagers about pornography are more likely to have teens equally as comfortable talking about the issue with them. When parents hide behind the issue and close the doors to communicate with their teens, their children are more likely to struggle with addictions down the road.

If parents don’t educate their kids about pornography the porn industry will. Young people are naturally curious about sex and will look for ways to learn about it. Traditionally, this was a one-time discussion about the “birds and the bees”. We no longer live in a time or place where that is sufficient. This can no longer be a one-time event. In today’s world young people are bombarded with pornography. If teenagers can feel like there is a culture of openness, trust, and transparency in their family they will be more willing to follow suit and be open with their parents.

It’s only natural to want to judge your own flesh and blood more harshly than you would others. When they have done something you find unacceptable it is difficult to avoid falling victim to a knee-jerk reaction and passing a swift and harsh judgment. As parents it is so important not to judge. If parents remove judgment and fear from the conversation their teenagers will more likely come to them when they’ve come across pornography accidentally or if they’ve started to develop a habit of viewing regularly. Discuss it often, layer the discussion of healthy sexuality as they age, and look for opportunities to create more openness and honesty about the issue. This increases the chance that parents will be able to offer help in the moment their teen needs it most.

  • SCIENCE & FAMILY VALUES

Family values are essential. They define who we are and what we stand for. We rely on them to make good decisions and get through challenging situations. However, teenagers are at the age where they want to explore new horizons and question everything they’ve been taught. They start to rely less on family values and more on their peers and other media influences. The good ole’ days of telling them they should do something just because they’ve been told are long gone. When it comes to teaching and educating teens, they need the “why” and if it’s not given to them they’ll start distancing themselves from family and trusting in their judgments less.

Currently, we generally do a good job openly talking about drugs and the harmful effects associated with use. We are taught the “why” at an early age. We talk about how smoking will turn your teeth yellow and heroin will mess up your life. But when it comes to pornography, most parents only approach it from a moral standpoint, shying away from hard facts. The problem: teens need facts. They need to know “why” pornography is harmful and how it can negatively impact the rest of their lives.

Try to blend their family values with the power of scientific and medical evidence. These issues include, but are not limited to:  lack of intimacy; inability to perform sexually later in life; callousness towards members of the opposite sex; distorted perception and expectations about sexuality; devalued importance of monogamy and marital faithfulness; develop appetite for more deviant, bizarre and violent types of pornography; overall desensitization; more frequent failed and unhappy relationships; undeniable relationship to issues such as rape, sexual abuse and molestation.

The more concrete reasons kids have to NOT participate, the more likely they won’t. Give them the “why” and not just…“because I told you so”.

  • ESTABLISH AN AGREEMENT

Parents should establish an agreement with their teenagers with regards to Internet use in the home. The word to emphasize here is ‘establish’. Whether that means setting time limits or establishing rules for guided use, that’s a decision each household must make. But make the decision concrete. Even the most defiant teens often recognize that principle that rules generally exist for their safety, even if they choose not to admit it. Establishing an agreement feels less authoritative while still showing them that their parents care how they view it, how often they view it, and when they view it. Establishing media standards in the home can also help by decreasing exposure to inappropriate material.

You must also outsource various means of accountability.  Perhaps the counsel of another person (pastor, counselor, teacher) and also using available safeguard software resources.  Accountability is one of the most critical factors in successfully overcoming your struggle with porn or sex addiction.  It’s important to recognize upfront that accountability is not about having someone who will make you feel guilty when you make mistakes.  Accountability is focused on a relationship with someone who can maturely encourage you through the highs and lows of your porn or sex addiction.  It is also about learning to feel comfortable in honestly sharing about your struggle with someone you can trust.

  • Supervise Devices

All parents should be aware of the many ways their kids get access to pornography. Most parents understand that pornography can be viewed through computer internet access but few realize that it can also be accessed through the TV, an iPod, iPad, cell phone, most gaming devices, Blu-ray players or any other internet enabled device. It’s important that parents are supervising the use of all devices in the home. Remember that all supervising of devices has to be done with the right intent. Parents are responsible to protect their teens, not police them. If they feel policed then the effectiveness of supervision, including filtration tools, can have a negative effect.

 

Resources

Steve Vera is pastor at Bethlehem Lutheran Church in Sun Prairie, WI.  Prior to seminary, he served for six years as youth director at Trinity Lutheran Church in Hudson, WI.

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